Australian School Uniforms and Swearing in Australia, Bloody Hell Dammit

Pop into the shops in most Aussie suburbs between the hours of 3 and 4pm, and you will most likely be quite entertained as you see kids of all ages gussied up in their adorable Australian school uniforms.

After four years here, I am sold on the whole uniform thing.  In fact, I'll go as far as to say, the more formal the better.  Dare I declare... it sets a tone; it creates an atmosphere.  It makes boys acting naughty, still be, boys acting naughty; but they look extra adorable while doing it, haha.  In my opinion.

So you can imagine the cuteness factor a couple of years ago, when my oldest child was in Kindy (that's Aussie for Kindergarten) and I would walk into their classrooms and see all their cute little Aussie friends, with all their cute little Aussie accents, in their cute little uniforms.  And one day, whilst the kids were putting their "morning tea" (that's Aussie for "snack") in their designated spot, a little boy I was quite fond of drops his bag on the floor, exploding with an enthusiastic, "Dammit!".

My jaw probably dropped to the floor, and in my best Homer Simpson voice, I was like, "Doh???".  Did that little mister five-year old cutie-pants just shout out "dammit" and no one even blinked an eye?  Huh?  I'm no Pollyanna, and I can swear like a truck driver when necessary...  or, for no reason at all.  

Anyway, so over the last couple of years there have been many a playdate and/ or a birthday party and/ or a school drop off, where "dammit" and "what the hell" are flying out of babes mouths like it's nothin'.   So finally, I asked a friend of mine... (about 10 seconds after her son said both these words in front of all of us), "Um, hey girlfriend--  are dammit and hell bad words in Australia, or are they not?  Because in the U.S. you really wouldn't hear little kids talking like that."  (At least as far as I know, but then again, my kids were two and three years old when we moved here).

And then I stopped, and then I thought-- hmm, I wonder if the word "bloody" is actually worse than "hell" or "dammit".  So I asked the question-- who knows, could that be true?  Guess what, assuming my friend wasn't just messing with me... "bloody" is actually worse.

You'd think after all my time here, I would have picked this knowledge up along the way.  Apparently, I'm a little slow on the uptake, but now I am well-informed of what the really bad word is.

So last week, newly enlightened on the swearing front, I stood by as the boys and their classmates were slowly unpacking their morning tea bags, so I chimed in with, "Speed it up kiddos, and get the fuck out to the field."  The Aussie mums (moms) quickly turned around and glared at me (more than usual).

And I'm not really sure where this all went awry -- it's not like I said bloody field.  

I guess I'll never really fit in here.

**Update:  I didn't really swear at a bunch of seven year olds, and if my kids said "dammit" or "hell" there totally would be no ipods for who knows how long :). 

American or Continental Style Eating?

In the Australia, and most of the civilized world, people eat "continental style" which means fork in one hand, knife in the other, and the fork goes into your mouth prongs facing down with meat on them, and other stuff pushed onto the back of the fork. This is the way the judges on Masterchef and/or Top Chef eat.

Alternatively, most Americans eat "American style", cutting food, lying their knife down, moving their fork to the other hand, and finally taking a bite with the fork-- prongs facing up.

Eating American Style at a table full of Australians is uncomfortable, awkward, and clumsy looking. The Aussies easily cut and eat their food without all the stopping, starting, and cutlery swapping.

And sometimes at a restaurant I give it a try, I really do-- but it's not pretty, I'm like a fumbling idiot. Putting a fork into your mouth upside-down is hard, the angling is off, and I know I look like a complete freak. Making matters worse, my husband, the great assimilator, has successfully switched styles. Now I'm alone at the table being all American-awkward and weird. What the hell is my problem?

These two handy videos below demonstrate how to eat both ways. Incidentally, Cute Little Manners Lady, the star of both videos, is based out of my hometown area-- maybe she does private lessons?

This is Continental Style of eating used in most of the world:



This is the American Style of eating used in the U.S. and possibly responsible for feelings of dining-isolation amongst American expats worldwide:



I am left with a few quesions:

Would it be easy for an Aussie to eat American Style?

Do other Americans switch to Continental Style with no problem?

Am I the only expat feeling like a jackass at the dinner table?

Who thinks they're agile and graceful enough to switch their eating style?

I double-dog-dare you to eat the way you're not accustomed to. Videos of your attempts are welcome and can be emailed to flgirlinsydney@gmail.com.

If you send me a video, I will post it and make you an international superstar.

Let's Play What's Grosser than Gross

Masterchef Australia is an awesome television series. A few days ago I would have considered us Masterchef junkies, but something has changed. Somthing has gone very, very wrong. And after the last two episodes I'm not sure I can stomach watching the final shows.

Last night, when Poh (one of the two finalists) made a Century Egg dish, they generously profiled Century Eggs for eager viewers. And we were lucky enough to learn that a Century Egg is an egg fermented in it's shell for a hundred days (I can't go any further into the description or I really will spew out the Indian food we ate a couple of hours ago, but click the link to see some hardcore nastiness). Seriously, I'm skeeved out. And you know if the judges were scared of it, it had to be some crazy shit.

Then tonight's concept of the judges doing a mock Mystery Box competition for their weekly Masterclass episode seemed fantastic. The show's final two contestants hilariously mimicked judges George and Gary, while critiquing the chefs' cooking techniques and dishes.

What wasn't quite as funny was this evening's Mystery Box ingredient... lamb brains.

I'm still queasy after having watched them deep fry lamb brains, then serve them topped with potato foam and green apples. Honestly, the potato foam alone makes me want to hurl.

After seeing tonight's dishes, Lamb Brain Cereal (wtf?) and Crisp Parmesan Wafer with Parmesan Fried Lamb Brains, it's clear the show has gone all Fear Factor, and tomorrow they'll be whipping up seared cockroaches with a red wine reduction au jus.

The good news is, if they would have said those little nuggets were chicken (instead of brains), I'd be all over that.

So the questions begs to be asked... do you do brains?

*Photo at top is a sliced Century Egg, I heave as I say that.

Moons Over my Hammy

In college I had food poisoning from sliced deli style turkey, since then I've become the pickiest deli meat eater ever. I'm a die-hard Boars Head girl, anything else scares me.

It appears that sliced turkey is no where near as popular in Australia, as it is in the U.S., and when you do find slice turkey here it's basically always smoked and highly processed, both of which make me want to hurl.

That all being said, I've recently become more open-minded to the wide world of ham, and there is no shortage of ham down under.

Norton St. Grocer, the local gourmet food store in our hood, has this amazing Mango Honey Glazed Ham. Not only does this ham look beautiful with a sparkling criss-cross pattern of charred sugar on the outside, but it tastes like a little slice of hammy heaven.

Last week when I arrived at Norton St. to reload, the beautiful ham I expected to find in all of it's largeness, was only a small end piece which no doubt would yield pitiful ham scraps instead of the enormous circular slices I had my hammy-heart set on.

The conversation with the girl at the deli counter went like this:

Me: Wow, it's so small. Can you possibly bust out a new ham?

Ham Keeper: We'll have to finish this one before we can start a new one.

Me: Can you slice a piece so I can see what it looks like? (angling for a free ham taste, yo).

Ham Keeper: Sure.

She comes back a few minutes later with a slice of ham the size of my thumb...

Me: Do you really consider those "slices" of ham??

Ham Keeper: Um, yeah. Well, how much did you want?

Me: Oh, I need a lot!!! Probably about a kilo. (Um, did I really just say "a kilo"-- that's 2.2 lbs., oh man).

Ham Keeper's co-worker: Just get a new one and slice it up.

What's a girl to do? Buy ham scraps, or buy enough ham to feed like all the Jolie-Pitt children for two weeks?

Ham and cheese sandwiches. Tomato, boccocini, and ham stacks topped with drizzled balsamic vinegar. Green eggs and ham. Pasta salad with ham, peas and ranch dressing. Moons over my Hammy. Ham on crackers. Ham roll ups. Ham. Ham. Ham. Did I mention we've been eating a lot of ham?

I think I've said the word "ham" so many times it looks like it's spelled wrong now. I hate when that happens.

Woolworths or Coles? A Question With No Answer..

How is it that my bank, and ebay, and dozens of other websites never, ever have asked me to change my password, but for some reason ColesOnline, a local grocery store, requires users to change their password every thirty days? Is that really necessary? It's freaking groceries.

Are they concerned someone is going to log in under my name and order cream cheese, tampons, and salami?

And it's not like they even store my credit card information-- I have to go through all the payment stuff every time we order. On the flip side, they do keep a master list of everything I've ever purchased; I can only imagine what some hacker would do with that kind of info.

I've had enough. I can barely keep up with all the passwords I've acquired in the last fifteen years, now to buy groceries I should keep a rotation of passwords on hand and in head?

I'm done. Woolworths.com, I'm all yours baby.

Date Night- Martinis and Dangerous Fried Rice

The Hubs and I went to dinner last night at our new favorite Chinese restaurant in Woolloomooloo. Woolloomooloo is a suburb near us and I like to go there just so I can say the word Woolloomooloo repeatedly. Whatever.

So for a city with such a large Asian population you'd think there would be an insane number of Chinese restaurants, and there are a ton of Thai joints-- I'm not sure what the deal is with Chinese restaurants, but I'll move on...

I get this lychee martini drink, it's pretty good, not nearly as delicious as the Australian Watermelon Bacardi Breezer we had had the night before which tasted exactly like a drink we used to make (back in the day) by dissolving Watermelon Jolly Ranchers in Absolute Vodka. Omigod, it's 1989 all over again, yeah dawg.

So we order these awesome Peking Duck-ish-like appetizer, and btw, in Australia they call "appetizers" entrees... it's all very confusing.

The food at this place is seriously amazing, and we ordered way too much-- including an order of prawn fried rice (all shrimp in Australia are referred to as "prawns" whilst in the U.S. "prawns" is usually reserved for the "big ass shrimp" Our dining strategy was to have leftover fried rice school lunchboxes tomorrow.

After dinner we ask our waitress for a "take away box", that's Australian for doggy bag (and I think if you asked for a "doggy bag" in Australia someone may actually slap you). Then we ask for the "bill" because they don't say "check" down under. The waitress looks at us all quizzical and disappointed, and asks with a sad face, "Was everything okay? You should make sure you eat the fried rice as soon as possible." So my Hubs and I look at each other like, what the hell is she talking about? And she's all, "Well, it's got seafood in it, and once cooked, seafood goes bad very quickly. I would recommend you eat it by lunch tomorrow." Um, is she serious? We're not sure.

A couple minutes later the cool breeze hostess brings with the bill and we decide to to ask her about the ticking time bomb (our shrimp fried rice). She, almost verbatim, confirms that we must eat it by tomorrow.

Am I just an absolute daredevil having eaten two day old seafood in my sorted past?

I just sent my husband an email:

Subject: Fried Rice

Hi honey,

Wanted to let you know, I'm eating the fried rice for breakfast. If you don't hear from me this afternoon you probably should be worried.

Love,
Me

I wonder what my Wii Fit trainer will have to say about the two pounds I just gained chowing down the bacteria-laden fried rice? I have a feeling she's not going to be happy.

She's All Peaches

This photo was taken with my Blackberry Pearl last year at Circular Quay. Circular Quay (pronounced "key") is the ferry and train station near the Sydney Opera House. She was a ginormous sculpture made of fake peaches. Yes, weird and pretty and awesome all at the same time-- sounds like some of my closest friends.

Halloween Fun In Australia, Not So Much

On the radio this morning there was America bashing. Apparently, Halloween is just another way the U.S. is quietly infiltrating Australian culture and taking over, at least that's what some think.

Apparently Halloween is very controversial in Australia, this is my second year experiencing the weird vibe it has here.




Obviously was I went out looking for a video to convey a point, that being said- I truly believe that these are common Australian perspectives on Americans-- even if they don't say it to your face... okay, actually I mean my face.

Today I'm going to pull my Halloween decorations out and get my American freak on, the haters can go to hell.

Australian Dream Creams

My homegirl, the fiery red-head, introduced me to Blue Lizard Australian Sunscreen. She said it was da bomb, and she was so right.

There's no chemicals or fragrances, in this stuff, yet somehow it makes water bead on your skin, like Rain-X for people. When exposed to UVA/UVB rays, the bottle changes colors and screams obscenities at you. And most importantly, it's the first sunscreen I've used which doesn't irritate my already temperamental and blotchy rosacea face.

We use the Blue Lizard Australian Suncream Baby version on our entire family, and anyone else who happens to come over and need some protection. I am constantly compelled to force it upon everyone I know. And being that it's from Australia, I was looking forward to getting all the Blue Lizard I could handle when we moved here.

Imagine the shock and disappointment when I found out that no one in Australia has even heard of Blue Lizard Australian Suncream. Apparently, Blue Lizard is from freaking Tennessee, as in the, "The Stage is Set for You" state. Huh? Should someone be offended that they didn't name it "Blue Lizard Tennessee Suncream"?

On a separate note, which actually is just more of the same-- I have arthritis in my 36-year old foot, which eventually I will need to have taken under the knife. In the meantime, my arsenal of pain relief includes Salonpas (they're from Costco, so you know they have to be good), and a pain relief cream called Australian Dream Arthritis Cream, which of course, is made in Kentucky.

Looks like Australians should be proud that companies want their products to seem Australian. I bet my cousin would like these products, she's American, but wants to be Australian-- we balance each other.

This Is Just So Wrong

I'm all for seeing 20 catty, and sometimes deranged girls try to rope in a dumb, and not so cute, guy because they think he's a millionaire, why not-- that's not bad television, it's just good ole clean fun. And at least some of the really bad TV has shock value and is good for the nights when there's really really really nothing on and all the tivo'd stuff is watched and deleted.

But there just is no reason-- let me say it again, there is no reason-- for this:



And here's what the local paper has to say about the show-- note the caption under the article's title, um... they must really like it? Or this article which gives the show 3.5 stars (is that out of 4???). Wow, this is seriously the corniest thing I have ever seen-- and I don't take corny lightly.

From the comments under the articles, it appears the show is extremely popular with the enormous population of people who are actually in choruses and choirs.

Omigod, just in---
While researching this amazing television spectacle, I just saw there was an American version which lasted 4 episodes called Clash of the Choirs with Nick Lachey... and nobody told me??? And I call you friends? Maybe frienemies is more like it-- just kidding--you know I love you.

Take the Long Way Home

You know what sucks? It sucks to find out that the $3.80 toll you have been paying every day--twice a day-- for eight months was taking you ten minutes further away from where you were going.

A couple of weeks ago I took a cab into downtown only to be left bewildered and amazed when the driver exited the Cross City Tunnel only half way through, with the half price $1.80 toll, and ended up right where I need to be (preschool).

It sucks not knowing where you are for extended periods of time.

Cute random picture of the day:


Playing doctor. As I often say, start 'em young.

I Love the Word "Brekkie" and other things I like in Australia

I really love some of the nicknames Australians have for things. In particular I like the word "brekkie" in place of "breakfast".

I am sometimes weirded out that my husband comes home saying really Australian things to me like "no worries", "good on you", and "how are you going?". It just sounds very strange coming out of his mouth-- especially since he's speaking to me.

I also am a big fan of these straws you buy at the grocery store which have little beads of either chocolate, strawberry, caramel, or cookies and cream flavoring. You drink your milk through the straw and they flavor it, instead of adding syrup like we grew up with. Now personally, I'm not a milk drinker, but my kids really like them. As a bonus, they have only 1/2 a gram of sugar per straw, and no artificial flavorings or preservatives--which amazes me because I would have thought they were pure chemical joysticks o' flavor.

Why Can't I Pay at the Pump?

You can't miss what you never had, right? I guess Australians don't know what they're missing with pay at the pump gas (aka- petrol) stations.

I read the blog of an Australian in America-- and she was confused, and seemingly irritated, that you were supposed to pay for your gasoline at the pump... baffling!

The incredible inconvenience that ensues having to un-carseat two preschoolers, take them into the gas station, wait in line while trying to prevent them from ripping every piece of gum and candy (aka- lollies) off the shelves, pay, then re-carseat them is really-- well let's just say -- it be bad!

Chicken schnitzel, morning tea, & fairy bread

It's been four long, long months since our family of four arrived in Sydney. A time of discovering new foods, new lingo, and shockingly (ha,ha) a lot of American haters.

My husband was recruited here by someone he worked for in the U.S. Being that we have two small children it was an incredibly difficult decision to make, but in the end we thought it would be a growing experience for all of us. I think now is the time that I should say--- we may have made a huge mistake. A mistake of enormous proportions.

"Sad" and "homesick" are my two best friends here. I am missing everything-- all the usual suspects--friends, family, current TV shows, pay at the pump gas stations-- the basics. I started a myspace page to communicate with my friends and family at home, but I think blogging will be a better outlet for the crybaby that I have become. And I say crybaby because it is the damn truth. So here I stand (or sit at the computer) wanting to enjoy my time here for the next few years, but unable to pull my shit together and make it all good.

Now that my cloud of darkness has been put out there, I am going to really try to focus on the good things (while still intermittently remarking on things that are making me crazy, confused, frustrated, etc. in my new life here).

I'm sure this has been said and done before, but here is a list of lingo (and translations) in Australia that is interesting:

Rice Bubbles = Rice Krispies cereal
How are you going? = How are you?
Nappy = Diaper
Woolies = Woolworths = the grocery store (not Publix by a longshot)
Footy = Rugby
Brekkie = Breakfast
Flat white = Coffee with milk in it
Long black = black coffee
"Tip" (the game) = tag (the game)
Take away = To go food
Serviettes = Napkins
Garden = Backyard
Bottle Shop = Liquor Store
Sultanas = Raisins
Entree = Appetizer
Bikkie = Short for "biscuit", by which they mean either cracker or cookie or both
No Dramas = No problem
No worries = No problem
Hotel = Usually just a bar or pub
Kindie = Kindergarten or preschool, still confused
Lollies = any kind of candy
Old Boys = School alumni
Rubbish bin = Garbage Can
Petrol = Gasoline
Uni = College/ University
College = Kindergarten- High School
People mover = Minivan
Slippery Dip = Slide at playground
McCafe = McDonalds australian style
Sun Cream = Sunscreen
SMS = text message
Weetbix = not so delicious breakfast cereal

And by the way, did I mention that almost all crackers and chips in Australia have some bizarre meat flavoring. For example, instead of french onion chips, they have Honey Baked Ham flavor and Chicken Noodle flavor chips. Hmmm, if you wanted something that tasted meaty... wouldn't you just have, well, some meat?