I was scared to be pregnant, and scared to have kids. I loved my job and had little real responsibility outside of working (my former boss would be hysterical laughing if he heard me call that job a responsibility, it was more like a social club which made "dream vacations become a reality". Eventually I'll get to elaborating on my job in the cruise industry, it'll have to be like a week long blog-mini-series... it was a fun place to spend my 20's.
In 2002 we moved from Florida to Dallas for my husband's new job. We had been married for five years, bought a "family house", and I was closing in on 31 years old. I knew that if I wanted three or four kids it was about time to get my proverbial freak on. My thinking was, it'll probably take at least six months to a year to get pregnant, so I'll have plenty of time to mentally prepare. Two weeks later I peed on multiple Clearblue Easy sticks and confirmed in triplicate that the time had come to wrap my mind around the whole baby thing.
One thing no one warned me about was the insane, hormonally-induced dreams you have when pregnant.
The two dreams I remember and still feel tremendous guilt about:
- A pregnant black poodle was about to have puppies but I wouldn't let her in the house. She went jumped the fence into my neighbors yard and had the puppies there.
- I was living at my grandparents house with my newborn baby-- but I was keeping "it" in the garage.
There's really just no way to know in advance what pregnancy and children will evoke in you. Now I can look back on that fear and laugh at all the things I was scared of, they're so silly and trivial once you realize all the crap you really need to worry about.
Oh right, that's why.
Yes, I'm scared every day... but they sure are cute.