Saturday, August 16, 2008

Date Night

My husband and I are sitting outside at a restaurant and there's a couple at the table closest to the sidewalk with a massive, tough-looking Shar-Pei.

A small group of older folks walk up, they seem to know the couple, and exchange pleasantries.  Then, completely unprovoked, the dog starts growling and barking at one of the friends.

We're sitting just a few feet from them so I'm kind of freaked out, but really all I can think is... I left the house without my camera, oh man. Fortunately I have back up, a Blackberry Pearl with a pretty poor excuse for a camera, but it's all I've got.

The guy and the Shar-Pei (taken as I pretend I'm reading email on my Blackberry and not at all paying attention this dog who deserved to be The Dog Whisperer's next bitch).

The "friends" escaped the chaos and went inside the restaurant. The dog couple looked like they were chuckling about the dog not liking the guy. From that point on, the dog stared down and ferociously barked at people for the next 30-45 minutes.

Out of nowhere a guy and a drunk girl (who looked like she'd be fun to hang with) barge on the scene. The drunk girl runs up to the dog (who was still barking like a lunatic), and begins telling him (the dog) that she has "one just like him at home" and "give her a kiss". Huh? Girlfriend, you are a whack job.

Just when we thought it couldn't get much more bizarre, Nutty Drunk Girl lies down on the sidewalk, on her back at the dog's feet, on the busy sidewalk, whilst psycho-canine is getting crazier by the second, his teeth just inches from her face. She continues telling the dog, "I have one just like you at home, give me a kiss, I know you're a sweet boy".

Nutty Drunk Girl's boyfriend remains standing by, just watching and putting out a no big deal, she does this all the time vibe. Nutty Drunk Girl then gets up off the sidewalk and tells the dog's owner to take him off the leash.

This is Nutty Drunk Girl knelt down speaking to the guy and the dog (which is under the table being restrained), urging him to take the dog off his leash so she could "cuddle him".

At some point the restaurant owner comes outside and suggests to Nutty Drunk Girl and Silent Observer Boyfriend, that they "must be lost", and should move along. And finally, the Crazy Dog Couple pay their bill (they don't say "check" in Australia), and are on their way too.

Bye, and thanks for leaving us relieved, yet very entertained.

Only minutes later, an older guy wearing shorts (it's winter and pretty cold), who we thought was probably Canadian- hence, the tolerance to high winds) sits down at the table behind us. Now instead of visibly witnessing the drama, we can only hear it.

Our mutual waitress walks up to the guy and says, "Will there be two of you?". "One", he says. "Okay, only one". We're thinking, nice way to make him feel good about dining solo, biatch. Ugh, how thoughtless.

She comes back to take his order. He says, "Where's the hamburger on this menu?". She says, "I don't read the menu, but I think it's under Snacks." Yeah, I think it's actually under Sandwiches, dumbass. About five seconds later the dude shouts "I've never paid $20 dollars for a hamburger!", then gets up and walks away down the street. Perhaps not particularly funny to you, but hysterical to us since we basically want to say that every time we take our wallets out here.

Finally, we moved on to the romantic part of date night, Woolworths. I'm not a fan of shopping there, I miss Publix --"Where Shopping is a Pleasure". We walked the aisles and pointed at things like the 6-pack of diet coke for $7.48, or the box of four ice cream bars for $7.22, and exclaimed, "I've never paid $20 for a hamburger!" then bust out laughing, much to the dismay of the much more dignified Australians around us. They should probably shop during the day if the want to be in the company of well-behaved customers. We only wish we were laughing because it was funny; we laugh to keep from crying.



Dina said...


You are too funny.

I love this post.

You really need to go and write a novel or something.

I love the image of you being all secretive and pretending to write an email instead of taking photos for your blog.

Jill Stevens, Licensed Acupuncturist, Chinese Herbalist said...

hahahahahahhahah. this is totally one of the funniest blogs you've written. i was sitting in a massage chair at the drug store in berkeley today, waiting patiently for mom to get change for the meter in the most ridiculously long line when i got the posting on my phone. was talking LTFOL in the middle of Elephant Pharmacy (their motto is "The Pharmacy that Prescribes Yoga"- TOTALLY BERKELEY) on a massage chair looking like a crazy Berkeley Yippie on my Blackberry. But I didn't care- your posting was so freaking funny. Was so excited to get home and finally see the photos that went along with it- as sadly they don't show up on my phone. Even funnier!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I love thinking about the crazy girl lying on the ground with the dog while her boyfriend not only thinks that's normal but tried to help her out by begging them to let the dog off the leash...totally my favorite part.

Ali said...

U realy did make me laugh, but I realy hate it when people abuse the freedom they have by having their pets annoy others, your freedom ends when it interfers with the freedom of the other!

20$ for a burger, 8 dollars for a diet coke? and I thought Jordan was expensive!

floridagirlinsydney said...

You guys think it's funny- but today at the park, every dog we saw made us jump.

Ok Jill-
the guy just stood there-- THE ENTIRE TIME-- while she pleaded with the dog owner to unleash the beast.

Dina- If I wrote a novel doesn't that mean I'd have to make stuff up-- I'm not sure it could compare to my reality?

Most things here cost about double what you'd pay in the U.S.-- but some may be triple the price or more! It's very expensive!

Pamela Rose said...

What a great story! And, the best part is that it's true! While I was in line at Elephant Pharmacy (you would LOVE it - it's so not a regular pharmacy) Jill was laughing and told me only that I HAD to read this one...very funny!

Marvin the Martian said...

I'm so glad YOU'RE doing the overseas life, so I don't have to. Oops - I WILL have to in October and November. But I will be even more grateful to return home after my trip. Everytime I leave the US, it makes me appreciate it more when I come back. ;-)

Yes, stupid girl was asking to get her face eaten. She must have been looped on Aussie crack.

Corrina said...

Wow. This was excellent from start to finish! Your Pearl did just fine with the photographic evidence and I, for one, am grateful. LOL... I think Cujo-like dogs should stay home.

And I just had to comment on your stupid waitress saying that she doesn't read the menu?? What? Isn't it her JOB to know what's on it and where? Idiot.

I'm glad you were sufficiently amused. :-) I sure was!

floridagirlinsydney said...

Marvin- I totally agree, leaving the U.S. makes you appreciate it when you come home. I used to happy to get home when I was just away on vacation or business-- but this time when I go home there will be TRUE appreciation!

Corrina- Right, you'd think it would be part of the job to know what's on the menu... and if you don't know, you could at least be nice about it.
I guess the crackberry camera worked for me this time.

Sals said...

This post totally had me in stitches!!! :)