In 1994 I met Hometown Jewish Zealot Guy at a party. Now I'm Jewish, but basically do none of the things required of a real Jew-- like celebrate holidays or force the religion upon my children. However, you can bet your sweet ass I'll spin that dreidel anytime if there's Chanukah gelt involved.
Quite to the contrary (hence the name) Jewish Zealot was an Orthodox Jew; an Orthodox Jew who loved to party hard and keep Kosher.
A few rules of Orthodox Jews:
- They must not eat meat and dairy at the same time.
- They do not eat pork or shellfish at all (except in some families where it is acceptable if eating Chinese food :).
- They must use separates dishes for eating meat and dairy; they have two sets of dishes.
- They must not drive, cook, or talk on the phone from sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday. Harsh man, seriously harsh.
Having mentally moved on from Jewish Zealot, I started getting to know - in the biblical sense- this guy I worked with, we'll just call him Company Superstar. Company Superstar and I started secretly dating. Is there anything more silly, yet satisfyingly naughty, than secret office dating?
Warning: If you don't want to know how fickle girl I was then stop reading now and click here for something less offensive. Otherwise, please continue...
I was heading down to South Florida, where Jewish Zealot lived, for a quick cruiseline-sponsored weekend of ship tours. My secret lover, Company Superstar, was going to be with me and I needed to extinguish Jewish Zealot's Shabbat candles with one quick and painless blow.
It was a Friday night, and knowing Jewish Zealot could not answer, nor speak, on the phone on Friday nights, I left him a break up voicemail. Oh yes I did, judge me if you like, that's totally fine. I know it was wrong on so many levels, but that's what I did.
Four years later I married Company Superstar, and am now free to eat all the bacon cheeseburgers I want and never go to temple (by the way, he's a slacker Jew just like me:).
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17 comments:
OMG You're funny. Sometimes I think each posting is the funniest one you're ever going to write- then you out do yourself yet again!!! I think your readers truly are getting to know you more personally now. Good job you bad jew.
You are AWESOME.
And hilarious. The part about shellfish at the Chinese restaurant totally cracked me up.
Did you ever talk to the zealous guy again????
Love is a funny thing.
This was a very funny post. I love that you broke up with him on his voice mail, and that you referenced the "biblical sense" of getting-to-know someone. Hilarious! :)
I judge you not!
(I think we may be related. I'm not Jewish, but I AM a slacker and had a rather sordid past myself.)
LOVED reading about your adventures and so happy there was a happy ending. With bacon cheeseburgers!
JD at I Do Things
Jill- Thanks you hot mess of sister love.
Dina-- I always want to call you deens-- I never did speak to him again-- BUT, when we moved back to Florida the realtor we used WAS DATING HIM!!! It was so crazy. I guess that's a whole other story.
Marketing Mama- I didn't even purposefully say "in the biblical sense" thinking about him being a religious zealot-- but now that you mention it.. it's even funnier.
JD- It would have been nice if you could have broken up with him so I didn't have to! :)
OMG what a SCREAM! ;-)
Not that I wouldn't mind knowing what goes down your throat, but have you considered a meat alternative for the bacon? Morningstar is MMM MMM good : )
By the way Ty Gunner-- YOU were at the party where I met Jewish Zealot!!!
I bet you had no idea. Hmmm, think 1994ish.
I agree, the most "tolerant" ones are actually the most intolerant. The ones who are the first to whine about freedoms being abridged are the first ones to try to take it away from somebody else as soon as they get a chance.
I'm pretty intolerant. I like it that way. ;-)
Judge you for it? -I already knew this story & I think that'a why I love you. You are one sick bitch & I miss you.
All right, I really want to read the cruise stuff!
On the Kosher front, my kid went to a Jewish day care for two years, and he is the pickiest eater alive. To add insult to injury I had to pack kosher lunches... I think he ate bagels and yogurt for lunch pretty much every day for those two years.
I love, love, loved this post. Thanks for the peek into the past you... Fun stuff!
Hey! Here from Hotfesional. I love this story. It's totally something I would have done back in the day. I do have one stupid question, though. If Orthodox are not supposed to cook or drive from Friday night to Sunday, then how and what do they eat? Cold stuff out of the fridge?
Hi Shelley,
I'm not 100% sure but think they just prepare the day before-- if I'm not mistaken I think most (orthodox) don't use the microwave either.
oooooh that break up was harsh, and yet, you are STILL my hero! i've never broken up with someone, as i've never had a boyfriend (don't judge, i'm working on it)lol. i like how you married the secret office romance. did you let people know afterwards or did it become a secret office marriage?!
Gnu- Haha, we did finally go public- and people were SHOCKED.
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