In 1994 I met Hometown Jewish Zealot Guy at a party. Now I'm Jewish, but basically do none of the things required of a real Jew-- like celebrate holidays or force the religion upon my children. However, you can bet your sweet ass I'll spin that dreidel anytime if there's Chanukah gelt involved.
Quite to the contrary (hence the name) Jewish Zealot was an Orthodox Jew; an Orthodox Jew who loved to party hard and keep Kosher.
A few rules of Orthodox Jews:
- They must not eat meat and dairy at the same time.
- They do not eat pork or shellfish at all (except in some families where it is acceptable if eating Chinese food :).
- They must use separates dishes for eating meat and dairy; they have two sets of dishes.
- They must not drive, cook, or talk on the phone from sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday. Harsh man, seriously harsh.
Having mentally moved on from Jewish Zealot, I started getting to know - in the biblical sense- this guy I worked with, we'll just call him Company Superstar. Company Superstar and I started secretly dating. Is there anything more silly, yet satisfyingly naughty, than secret office dating?
Warning: If you don't want to know how fickle girl I was then stop reading now and click here for something less offensive. Otherwise, please continue...
I was heading down to South Florida, where Jewish Zealot lived, for a quick cruiseline-sponsored weekend of ship tours. My secret lover, Company Superstar, was going to be with me and I needed to extinguish Jewish Zealot's Shabbat candles with one quick and painless blow.
It was a Friday night, and knowing Jewish Zealot could not answer, nor speak, on the phone on Friday nights, I left him a break up voicemail. Oh yes I did, judge me if you like, that's totally fine. I know it was wrong on so many levels, but that's what I did.
Four years later I married Company Superstar, and am now free to eat all the bacon cheeseburgers I want and never go to temple (by the way, he's a slacker Jew just like me:).